Saturday, July 01, 2006

Love of my life

There was this guy once, a long time ago. I was young and stupid, and at the time I didn't realise how special he was. He was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of person. We went out for a couple of years, travelled the world together, and never had an argument. We felt the same way about all sorts of things, had the same passions about the world, and I loved him very much.

I don't have many regrets in my life - in fact I have only one. I let him go. Things got confused, I think I broke his heart, and I didn't try to mend it. Back then, I thought I was too young to have found The One. I didn't realise it was him. I didn't realise he was the love of my life, yet I would not be the love of his.

He married my ex-best friend a few years after we broke up, and about a year ago I found him again on the internet. It took me 4 years of searching to find him, and a year to pluck up the courage to call. I rang him last month. My whole body was shaking as I dialled the number. He recognised my voice straight away. He even knew that I'm living in New Zealand now. We spoke for a while, caught up on each other's news, and arranged to meet up for coffee when I'm in the UK next month.

He called me this evening, to say he's been thinking about meeting up, and has decided he doesn't think it's such a good idea. He's moved on with his life and he wants to keep the past in the past. I guess in my heart of hearts I figured this would probably happen. It doesn't make it any easier though.

Maybe you'll read this, Andy. Most likely you won't. So I'll close my eyes and send this out into the ether because I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Sorry for myself, because I messed up the best relationship I ever had, but most of all I apologise to you for behaving so unthinkingly all those years ago. I regret it more than you will ever know.

4 comments:

~ YSRN ~ said...

Aww, that stings like hell. Forever.

I have the same feelings of regret for a guy who was probably my one shot at a complete and lasting relationship. I also thought I was too young and I screwed it up royally and broke his heart. Your parting words hit me like a ton of bricks!

We all grew up together so I still run into him now and then. Sometimes I think it was for the best, and other times I spend sleepless nights pondering what could have been. I do think he forgave me years ago, but I have never really forgiven myself. We don't really talk about it, but I do harbor a lot of guilt and unspoken regrets. Stupid youth...

I'm so sorry. *huge hugs*

I'll have coffee with you anytime. *muah*

Vox Vixen said...

OMG, this is so sad. It's a like a soap opera except it's your real life. The words foolish and youth fit together for a reason. I'm sorry it didn't work out with Andy, Maybe he'll think on it some more and ring you. *Hugs*

webweaver said...

Awwww thanks guys - so much. I really appreciate the hugs...

Sometimes I wish I could tell me-then what me-now has learned over the years. Wouldn't that be great?

Hotforclay said...

Awwww......This ALMOST happened to me, but my then boyfriend would.not.let.me.go. He kept it until he won me back. I'm so glad he's tenacious. He's my one soulmate. I'm sure one day you will find another one who is just as special in a different way.