Love of my life

There was this guy once, a long time ago. I was young and stupid, and at the time I didn't realise how special he was. He was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of person. We went out for a couple of years, travelled the world together, and never had an argument. We felt the same way about all sorts of things, had the same passions about the world, and I loved him very much.

I don't have many regrets in my life - in fact I have only one. I let him go. Things got confused, I think I broke his heart, and I didn't try to mend it. Back then, I thought I was too young to have found The One. I didn't realise it was him. I didn't realise he was the love of my life, yet I would not be the love of his.

He married my ex-best friend a few years after we broke up, and about a year ago I found him again on the internet. It took me 4 years of searching to find him, and a year to pluck up the courage to call. I rang him last month. My whole body was shaking as I dialled the number. He recognised my voice straight away. He even knew that I'm living in New Zealand now. We spoke for a while, caught up on each other's news, and arranged to meet up for coffee when I'm in the UK next month.

He called me this evening, to say he's been thinking about meeting up, and has decided he doesn't think it's such a good idea. He's moved on with his life and he wants to keep the past in the past. I guess in my heart of hearts I figured this would probably happen. It doesn't make it any easier though.

Maybe you'll read this, Andy. Most likely you won't. So I'll close my eyes and send this out into the ether because I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Sorry for myself, because I messed up the best relationship I ever had, but most of all I apologise to you for behaving so unthinkingly all those years ago. I regret it more than you will ever know.