Showing posts with label funny stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny stuff. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My cupboard is bare

Jamie's Ministry of Food book cover. With my Shift going-away present (a book token - brilliant!) I bought Jamie Oliver's new book Jamie's Ministry of Food.

I'm useless at cooking. I just don't do it. My diet is utterly crap - I can go for well over a day without eating anything - and I'm quite capable of living on nothing but coffee and cigarettes. Most of the time I eat one meal a day - either by buying sushi for lunch, or making myself a chunky salad drowned in mayonnaise in the evening. But sometimes I have nothing at all.

I can't be bothered cooking for one, so most of the time I don't. Then there's the mission of having to go to the supermarket and buy stuff - and actually having a plan for what I want to cook (which I never have!).

Plus I have issues with food.

My earliest datable memory is when my sister was born. I was two and a half. She was born at home, so I was dispatched to the neighbour's house for the day. I remember they gave me stew to eat, which I totally didn't want at all. I guess they must have forced me to eat it because I remember being sick afterwards. Welcome to the world, baby sister!

I wouldn't eat meat. I hated the taste, the texture, the smell. At some point I realised that meat was actually DEAD ANIMALS, and that sealed the deal for me. No way was I going to eat that stuff! I couldn't even go into the butcher's shop with my mum because it smelled so bad.

Problem was, as far as I knew, I was the only vegetarian in the entire world, and no-one knew how to deal with my bizarre eating requirements.

Every single day at school for four years I was tortured by the dinner ladies because I wouldn't eat my dinner. Everyone sitting at my table would have to wait until I finished before they were allowed out to play. And as I couldn't finish it because I couldn't eat the meat, they missed their playtime - every single day. It was awful.

Finally when I was eight years old my mum acknowledged that I was indeed a vegetarian, and she had a chat with the headmaster. From that day onwards every dinnertime I was given a HUGE block of cheese wrapped in greaseproof paper to go with my veggies. I used to share it with everyone else at my table 'cos there was so much of it.

I was an extremely picky eater. I think I withheld food from myself because it was one of the few things in my life over which I had some level of control. I think I've continued that pattern of behaviour ever since. Which is a bit silly really, as I have control over all areas of my life these days :)

So - fast-forward to today, and my entirely unexpected purchase of a cookery book.

Not sure why I did it, except that I'd quite like to improve my diet, while at the same time trying to save money (or not spend much!). I know the years of under-eating must be taking their toll on me, and I think it's about time I sorted myself out.

Plus this whole contractor thing seems to have kick-started me in a whole bunch of different ways, and I'm stepping outside my comfort zone all over the place. Cool!

Jamie's book starts off by listing all the kitchen implements you need, and then there's another massive list of all the staple items you should have in your larder, most of which I didn't have. I'm a perfectionist, so I really wanted to do everything exactly right and have everything in place before I started. So I didn't start 'cos I didn't have everything.

A couple of weeks ago I stopped procrastinating because I didn't have all the right ingredients, and I decided to try out the simplest recipe in the book - spaghetti with tomato sauce.

Disaster!

No basil. No garlic. No chillies. An old tin of tomatoes and some old spaghetti. When I opened the tin it made a weird gas-escaping noise, but I had a quick taste and it seemed OK, so I carried on.

The recipe said chopped tomatoes, but chopping them up ended up releasing so much juice that it overflowed the chopping board and spread out across the bench. And then I spilled half the juice transferring it into the pot. Because I had no garlic, basil, or chillies I just heated up the olive oil and bunged the tomatoes in. Not a good plan.

Once the spaghetti was cooked I mixed in the oily cooked tomatoes, a bit of sweetcorn, and topped it with some old cheese. Yum yum. Not.

It was completely gross. Like, so bad I couldn't eat it. I'm pretty sure the tin of tomatoes was off for a start, and really, when there are so few ingredients it is rather imperative that you don't leave any out.

Back to the drawing board.

The root of my problems was a) using crappy old years-past-their-sell-by-date ingredients and b) not having all the ingredients I needed.

Time for a complete overhaul of the larder!

I threw out EVERYTHING.

My larder's always been pretty well-stocked - "I'll be OK if we have an earthquake", I used to think. Except of course I wouldn't, because it was all old and crappy and entirely inedible. The flour and cereal was absolutely infested with flour beetles and utterly unusable. If one tin of tomatoes was off, then all the others were probably off too, so they all had to go. As I cleared and cleaned I got more and more ruthless. This was quite difficult to do at first, because I hate waste, but really, none of the stuff was safe to eat anyway, so I ended up chucking it all out. What a feeling of relief and release!

Next was the issue of where do I put all the stuff I throw out. In the bin? But it's too heavy! Bags of old flour and everything else weighs so much I'd need heaps of bin bags. So I decide to get rid of as much as I can down the waste disposal. Great plan!

Only not. After the fifth packet of old crackers went down the waste disposal sink there was a gurgling, grinding noise - and suddenly there was liquid cracker goop coming up through the plughole of the other sink.

Disaster! Call Marcus the emergency plumber!

I do love Marcus. He's wonderful - and because he's an on-call-all-of-the-time kind of a dude, you can have a waste disposal emergency at 8.30 at night and he'll be there within half an hour.

He got me to pull out all the stuff from the cupboard under the sink (good excuse to give it a bit of a clean) and then he got down to work. It was pretty gross really - the cracker goop looked pretty much like vomit, and we had to use a couple of old (never to be used again) towels to mop up all of the goo that ended up on the cupboard floor. Poor Marcus!

Anyway, he fixed it - so after giving the whole cupboard another clean I put everything back and decided to put the rest of the old food in bin bags and get rid of them the traditional way. I think it took three or four bags in the end. And I still have a shelf full of old tins to get rid of gradually over the next few weeks. Ah well.

Since I started writing this blog post (hence the title) things have moved on apace, so...

On to the new food. I didn't feel like lugging a dozen heavy bags of staple items up the path to my house, so I did the supremely lazy thing and ordered all the food on the list from Woolworths online store. I love that website. It has the crappiest nav ever - but you can order a ton of stuff and they deliver it all to your door the next day. Awesome!

The next day I spent a happy few hours decanting every single thing into glass jars and labelling them all. No more flour beetles in my house! [And do you know, it seems to have worked? From being virtually infested with the damned things a few weeks ago when I started writing this post, my house is now pretty much bug-free. Hooray!]

My first attempt at actually properly following one of the recipes in Jamie's book was a second go at the spaghetti with tomato sauce. And it was LOVELY! Oh wow! I cooked something other than salad and baked potatoes! Go me!

I think it's all the fresh basil leaves he gets you to include - I now have a pot of basil growing on my window-sill - and the garlic and the olives and the parmesan and, and... yes I know, it was pretty dumb to try and cook it without 90% of the ingredients the first time, but there you go.

For my next trick I decided to go for something a little more adventurous, and settled on salmon and pesto with french beans, cooked in a foil parcel and served with organic new potatoes. Lordy lordy, aren't we posh?

And ohmygod it was absolutely awesome! Like, seriously good, and healthy, and filling, and just completely yummy! Hey this is cool! I could invite someone round to dinner now and actually have something really good I could cook for them! It's a revelation! I was so completely proud of myself I had to do a Snoopy Happy Dance round the kitchen in celebration.

Since then I've cooked both the spaghetti and the salmon recipes a few more times, and been really pleased with the results each time. I've also tried my hand at prawns and avocado with Marie Rose sauce (which is also yummy).

And I even did some baking. Crikey!

There is one thing I know how to bake, and that's melting moments with jam and butter cream filling. Delicious! So at 10 o'clock one night I settled in for a bit of baking therapy. I was through the cream-butter-and-icing-sugar stage, and had measured out the flour ready to add it to the mixture. Now for the cornflour.

Oh.

I have about a tablespoonful of cornflour left in the jar and it requires two cupfulls. Doh! How did I not get more cornflour during the Big Shop?

I leap into my car and go tearing off around the neighbourhood looking for a cornflour merchant at 10.15 at night, but sadly the local dairy is closed, so's the nearby supermarket, and the local petrol station has custard powder and baking powder but no cornflour. Darn it!

I decide I can't be arsed going to all the way into town on a Friday night just for cornflour, so I go back home and put what I've made so far into the fridge.

Edmonds Fielder's Cornflour packet - iconic kiwi design. The following day having obtained the necessary packet of Edmonds cornflour from the dairy (well you have to use Edmonds, don't you? After all I was using the Edmonds cookbook for the melting moments recipe, so it's only right and proper, eh? Plus the packet design is just fab), and after leaving the butter-and-sugar mixture out on the bench all afternoon to let it soften, I was finally able to finish my little baking project and - oh my lord - are they good or what? I eat one a day and they've lasted me a couple of weeks so far - and they get better over time, too!

A couple of very interesting things I've noticed since I started this whole cooking lark:

Firstly, it's made me want to go to the big supermarket in town so I have a big choice of nice fresh ingredients - and it's made me want to go on a regular basis so I don't run out of stuff. I hate battling with the crowds in the supermarket - I like to wander around peacefully - and I have discovered that 7pm seems like a good time to go. You still get fresh bread and stuff without the millions of people glaring at you when you pause at a shelf to consider an item in more detail.

A result of this (and I'm thinking it's the combination of the bigger supermarket and the slightly altered shopping list) is the realisation that buying ingredients is MASSIVELY cheaper than getting ready-made or ready-mixed stuff.

Now I certainly wasn't ever a ready-meals kind of a girl (ugh!), but I have been known to buy a packet of dessicated pasta or rice mixed with other dessicated stuff which you add milk and butter to, stir in a pan for eight minutes and glop onto your plate and eat without tasting it...

Not any more. I just don't feel the need to, now I know I can cook much lovelier food from scratch. And the result, I have found, is that even when you buy yourself a nice bit of salmon and a whole big packet of frozen prawns as well as all your fresh ingredients - it's still a whole lot cheaper than if you included the dreaded dessicated packets and a jar of crappy pasta sauce.

And did you know that if you buy a piece of salmon with the bones still in, it costs over a dollar a kilo less than if they take the bones out for you? And that if you get a bit near the tail it doesn't have bones in anyway? And that you can easily remove the bones using a handy pair of pliers from your toolbox? Heh heh. Kewl!

The second thing I've noticed is that being able to cook stuff has given me an added incentive to eat a bit better all the time. Like, I'm actually thinking about having a snack during the day as well as an evening meal - and I'm having the evening meal as well! Amazing!

AND I've lost weight! In a good way. Even though I'm eating more. In my bid to save money I've stopped buying and therefore eating most of my treats like chocolate and heaps of biscuits, and it's made a real difference. I had to put a belt on my jeans the other day cos they kept on falling down when I ran for the bus.

So yeah. Go Jamie, and go the Ministry of Food. If it can get a completely non-cook like myself interested in cooking - and actually succeeding in my culinary endeavours (eventually!) then that's a really good thing. I'm not sure about the Pass It On aspect of the whole movement - only because I'm pretty sure all my friends can cook anyway - but I'm certainly thinking more positively about inviting people over for dinner once in a while. Hooray! Thanks, dude!

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Friday, November 07, 2008

President Obama cartoons

I just love these. A collection of 26 30 newspaper cartoons marking the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States. Click on any cartoon to see a large version:

A caption reading 'Most powerful person in the free world...' points towards a man who is smiling and waving, and wearing a 'Voter' sticker.

President Obama cartoon: Obama stands with his arms folder, grinning from ear to ear. The caption above him reads 'Yes we did'.

President Obama cartoon: A view across America. In the sky, next to a ticked box, the caption reads 'That he be judged not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character'.

President Obama cartoon: Obama stands within the gates looking towards the White House, bag over his shoulder sporting the Obama 'O'. The caption in the sky written in old-fashioned script reads 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.' At the bottom of the page is written the words 'Ratified November 4, 2008'.

President Obama cartoon: A bottle of Old Mac liquor lies empty on the sidewalk as a drunken elephant stumbles away down the street, bouncing off a lamppost as he goes.

President Obama cartoon: The Lincoln Memorial statue gives two thumbs up to the tiny figure of Barack Obama standing in front of it.

President Obama cartoon: The bruised, battered and bandaged eagle in the centre of the Presidential Seal asks: 'Can you swear him in today?'

President Obama cartoon: Head and shoulders sketches of the first 43 US Presidents - white men all - contrasting with the smiling brown face of the 44th. The caption reads 'November 4, 2008'.

President Obama cartoon: A view of the front gates at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - with the two zeros having been replaced with the circular Obama logo.

Smiling faces fill the page, with people of every age and colour represented. The caption reads 'Yes, we did'.

As Obama is sworn in, hand on the Bible, a small and grumpy-looking McCain asks 'Hey! Would it be too much to ask you to wait for the results?'

President Obama cartoon: Obama and Uncle Sam do a fist-bump.

The statue of Lincoln, eyes closed, head down in relief, arms raised in fists above his head, says 'Yesssssss...'. A guide explains to a group of tourists 'He's been like that ever since Election Day 2008'.

The statue of Abraham Lincoln looks right at you, giving you the 'thumbs-up' signal.

The giant figure of Martin Luther King, Jr, holding a copy of his 'I have a dream' speech, reaches out his hand to help Barack Obama up onto a plinth labelled 'History'.

Barack Obama, dressed as a knight in armour resting his helmet on his knee, sits on top of a dead dinosaur with John McCain's face, a sword sticking out of its neck with blood pooling onto the ground below.

A noughts and crosses game featuring the faces of Obama and McCain. Each has three squares covered. A very angry-looking McCain has his squares randomly positioned around the board, whereas Obama's are in a neat diagonal, with a blue line drawn through them to signify that the game has been won.

The mother of a mixed-race family says 'I really feel a part of Obama's election...'. To their right is a profile drawing of Obama created out of hundreds of people all standing together. They are saying 'Me too', 'Amen', 'Yep', 'Ditto', 'Exactamente', 'Si', 'Agreed', 'Totally'. The mixed-race family is also drawn as part of the Obama mosaic.

Obama walks past a statue of Martin Luther King, Jr, who is positioned atop a plinth that reads 'I have a dream'. As Obama walks by, King reaches out a hand to high-five him.

Obama stands in the open right hand of the giant Lincoln statue, his hands on his hips, facing Lincoln. Lincoln smiles back at him with a peaceful, satisfied expression on his face.

A smiling portrait of Obama, with the Stars and Stripes as a backdrop. The caption reads 'I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. Martin Luther King, Jr.'

The statue of Abraham Lincoln sits with its left thumb raised in a 'thumbs-up' signal. A grinning Barack Obama stands in front of Lincoln, waving at the viewer.

A joyful Obama and Lady Liberty dance up a zig-zag set of fire-escape stairs.

A widely grinning Obama is depicted as George Washington, first President of the United States.

Obama waves to a black family hiding amongst the trees as he walks across the lawn to the White House. Signposts point backwards towards 'Jim Crow', 'Segregation', and 'Slavery'. The caption reads 'The final destination on the Freedom Road...'

Beneath the caption ' Day One', Obama sits at his desk in the Oval Office, repairing a ripped-up copy of the Constitution.

UPDATE 20/11/08:

I added a few more...

Obama stands on top of a pile of beaten-up elephants and says '...not bad for a skinny guy...'

Barack Obama stands between the much larger figures of Martin Luther King, Jr and Abraham Lincoln, each of whom is looking proudly down at him and resting a hand protectively on Obama's shoulder.

Obama does the fist bump (known on Faux News as the 'terrorist fist jab') with the smiling statue of Abraham Lincoln.

A hole cut out of the black background takes on the shape of America. Through it shines the red, white and blue of the Obama logo. The caption below reads 'Yes we did'.

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

SNL on the Vice-Presidential debate

Funny...! Tina Fey nails it again - and Queen Latifah's not bad, either.



My favourite bits? "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers" and "Are we not doing the talent portion?"

Heh heh. We have to laugh because the possibility of having Palin a 72 year-old heartbeat away from the Presidency is just too terrifying to even think about.

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Saturday, October 04, 2008

Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart

adennak over at Daily Kos made this great Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart, which I think is so funny (and spot-on) that deserves its very own post. Here it is. You can click on it to make it larger:

Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart.


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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Do you speak morse? Or even better, machine code?

- --- -.. .- -.-- / -- .. -.- . / .- -. -.. / .. / . -. - . .-. - .- .. -. . -.. / --- ..- .-. ... . .-.. ...- . ... / ..-. --- .-. / --.- ..- .. - . / .- / .-- .... .. .-.. . / -... -.-- / . -- .- .. .-.. .. -. --. / . .- -.-. .... / --- - .... . .-. / .. -. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / .. / --. ..- . ... ... / .-- . / .... .- -.. / .- / -... .. - / - --- --- / -- ..- -.-. .... / ... .--. .- .-. . / - .. -- . / --- -. / --- ..- .-. / .... .- -. -.. ... / - --- -.. .- -.-- !

0010110100100000001011100010111000101110001011100010000
0001011100010000000101101001011100010000000101111001000
0000101110001011010010110100100000001011100010000000101
1110010000000101101001011100010110100101101001011100010
1101001000000010110100101101001011010010000000101110001
0110100101110001000000010110100101101001011100010111000
1011010010110100100000001011110010000000101110001011010
0101110001000000010111000101101001000000010110100100000
0010111000101110001011100010111000100000001011100010000
0001011100010110100101110001000000010110100101101001011
1000101110001011010010110100100000001011110010000000101
1010010110100100000001011100010111000100000001011010010
1110001011010010000000101110001000000010110100101110001
0110100101101001011100010110100100000001011110010000000
1011010010110100101110001000000010110100101101001011010
0100000001011010010000000101111001000000010111000101101
0010111000100000001011100010000000101110001011010010000
0001011100010110100101110001011100010000000101110001011
0100101110001011100010000000101101001011100010110100101
1010010000000101111001000000010111000101101001011100010
0000001011100010110100100000001011010010111000101110001
0000000101110001011100010000000101101001011100010110100
1011100010000000101110001011010010000000101110001011010
0101110001011100010000000101111001000000010111000101101
0010000000101101001011100010000000101101001011100010111
0001000000010111100100000001011010010111000101110001000
0000101110001000000010110100101110001011010010111000100
0000010111000101110001000000010110100101110001011100010
0000001011100010000000101101001011100010111000100000001
0111100100000001011100010111000100000001011010010000000
1011110010000000101110001011010010110100100000001011010
0101101001011010010000000101110001011100010110100100000
0010111000101101001011100010111000100000001011010010111
0001011100010000000101111001000000010110100101110001011
1000101110001000000010111000100000001011110010000000101
1100010000000101110001011100010111000101101001000000010
1110001000000010110100101110001000000010111100100000001
0110100101110001011100010111000100000001011100010000000
1011010010000000101101001000000010111000100000001011100
0101101001011100010000000101111001000000010110100100000
0010110100101101001011010010000000101111001000000010110
1001011010010111000100000001011100010000000101101001000
0000101111001000000010110100101110001011100010111000100
0000010111000101101001000000010110100101110001011010010
1110001000000010110100101110001011010010000000101111001
0000000101101001000000010110100101101001011010010000000
1011110010000000101101001011100010111000101110001000000
0101110001011010010000000101110001011100010111000100000
0010111000101110001000000010110100101110001011010010111
0001000000010111000101110001011100010000000101111001000
0000101110001011010010000000101101001011100010000000101
1010010111000101110001000000010111100100000001011100010
1110001011010010000000101110001011100010111000100000001
0111000100000001011110010000000101101001011010010000000
1011100010110100100000001011010010111000101101001011100
0100000001011100010111000101110001011100010000000101110
0010111000100000001011010010111000100000001011100010000
0001011110010000000101101001011100010110100101110001000
0000101101001011010010110100100000001011010010111000101
1100010000000101110001000000010111100100000001011010010
1110001011010010110100101110001011010010000000101101001
0111000101110001011100010000000101110001011100010000000
1011010010111000100000001011100010110100100000001011100
0101101001011100010000000101101001011100010110100101101
0010000000101101001011100010110100101101001011100010110
1001000000010111100100000001011100010111000100000001011
0100101110001000000010111000101110001011100010000000101
1010010000000101110001000000010111000101101001000000010
1101001011100010111000100000001011100010110100101110001
011010010111000101101

.-- . / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / -.. --- / -. . . -.. / - --- / --. . - / --- ..- - / -- --- .-. . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.-

These might help...

Morse Code Translator

Binary - it's digitalicious!

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Thursday, August 07, 2008

Like, totally ready to lead

OK I never ever thought I'd say this - let alone link to anything by Ms Hilton - but this ad just made me laugh - and I would say my respect for her (which was pretty much zero) just went up a couple of notches...


"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude, and I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead."

According to the TimesOnline:
Funnyordie.com contributors Adam McKay and Chris Henchy pitched the idea of the video to Ms Hilton after the McCain ads were debated around the world.

"She got it that the McCain thing was a low blow," McKay told AFP. "And she felt she didn't want to return it with angry fire, and that this was the best way to respond. It's a playful jab."

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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

When I'm old and smelly....

I sat next to a rather whiffy old person on the bus home this evening.

It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. I spent the whole journey trying not to breathe.

I hope when I'm old and smelly that I have at least one friend brave enough to tell me so.

<paranoid thought> God I hope I'm not already old and smelly, and no-one's told me... </paranoid thought>

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Presidential nominee video death match

This year, more than ever before, YouTube is taking a front-and-centre role in the Presidential primaries. Some candidates are using it far more effectively than others - Barack Obama, for example, includes high-quality versions of all his speeches on his YouTube channel, and his A More Perfect Union speech has been viewed more than 4 million times - but they're all using the medium in one way or another.

Compare the YouTube channels for Barack Obama (863 videos, 42,875 subscribers), Hillary Clinton (321 videos, 12,431 subscribers), and John McCain (185 videos, 4,018 subscribers).

What I find particularly interesting is how each of the three remaining candidates' supporters are using YouTube to put forward their own promotional messages for their favoured candidate. We've all seen the Obama videos by will.i.am, which went viral within a matter of days, and which inspired the very funny parody for John McCain, john.he.is - so I thought it might be fun to take a look at some of the other stuff out there.

I bring you... the Presidential nominee video death match!!

Which video, in your opinion, kicks the ass of all the rest?

First up is Barack Obama. It was difficult to pick just a couple for him because he's inspired more music videos than all the other candidates put together, so I chose two that, to me anyway, are new - I hadn't seen either of them until today. Here's Obama Everywhere by Earl Pickens & The Band Named Thunder, based on the Geoff Mack song I've Been Everywhere:



...and The Rockabelles with We Got The Mo:



And from the sublime to the ridiculous - here are the McCain Girls with their two spectacular hits Raining McCain and Here Comes McCain Again. If you can watch either of these two videos all the way through without running screaming from the room, you're a better person than I!





They've also got a message for anyone who didn't appreciate their video genius:



OooooOOOOOoooo! How unladylike!

OK... pause while I go looking on YouTube for pro-Hillary music videos...

Ah! Here's one! Taryn Southern and Hott 4 Hill:



...hmmmm. In the blurb it describes itself as "a music video parody", and to be fair I need one that's been made by Hillary supporters in all seriousness... so hold on a sec..

Here we go - this one has a decent number of views - The Hillary Clinton Song, aka We Need A Woman by Dulce Maria Gonzalez:



So what do you reckon? Do The Rockabelles look like they can out-rock Dulce Maria Gonzalez? If Taryn Southern went head-to-head with Earl Pickens & The Band Named Thunder, who would come out on top? And do the McCain Girls kick the asses of everyone else in the room, simply by being so thoroughly awful?

I'll leave it up to you to decide - and feel free to send me suggestions of videos I haven't included here...

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Posted by webweaver at 1:34 pm 2 comments

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Someone is wrong...

Someone is WRONG on the internet - cartoon
Tee hee! Too funny (and also too true...)

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Friday, August 03, 2007

Facebook for cats

Winnie. Up until today I had successfully managed to avoid creating a profile on any of the social networking sites. I'm finding it hard enough to find time to write my blog (apologies for that, btw) without having to do all this making friends and poking people all over the internets as well.

I say "up until today" because I've just spent half an hour setting myself up on Facebook.

Bailey. It's not for me, you understand. Oh no, it's simply so that Winnie and Bailey can each have their own little Catbook profile and so that they can make lots of kitty friends from the safety of my lap, in front of the computer. No more getting beaten up by the mean cat next door! Let's make friends with some virtual cats instead!

As they each have each other on their "friends" list, they currently both have more friends than I do. *sob*

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wanted: 1950s wife

This is probably going to be the most un-PC thing I ever write in my blog. Feminists (and I include myself in that group) look away now! (Which seeing as I also have to look away, is going to make it quite tricky to write this...)

OK, here goes.

I want a wife. But not just any wife. Oh no - I have my heart set on an archetypal, stereotypical, swirly dress-wearing, 1950 housewife. You know the type - she cooks like a dream, keeps the house spotless, and anticipates her husband's every wish. She wears an apron/pinny like it's her uniform, and she lives to please her man.

I told you this was going to be un-PC, didn't I?

Wouldn't it be nice (I dream to myself) to come home from a hard day's web developing and have my ever-loving wife waiting for me in the kitchen. "Hello darling," she'd say, "have you had a good day? Oh - you look a little worn out, sit down here in the comfy chair and I'll bring you a nice cold beer/hot coffee. Dinner's nearly ready - we're having your favourite (of course!). Are your shoulders a bit tight darling? Shall I give you a shoulder massage?"

Ah bliss...

During dinner I'd tell her about my day. "Goodness me darling, so you solved a tricky little HasLayout bug, blew away two examples of the double float doubled margin bug, built a min-width layout using the jello mould technique and exceeded e-government accessibility guidelines for levels 1 to 3! Gosh darling, you are clever!"

And after dinner she'd be all "now darling, you go play on your computer while I stack the dishwasher, tidy the kitchen, run around the house with a duster, clean out the cat tray, do the washing and fix you a lovely lunch to take to work tomorrow... no, no, of course you don't need to lift a finger to help - I love running around after you anticipating your every need. Would you like a foot rub when I've finished cleaning up?"

In return of course I'd take care of her, open doors for her, give her some housekeeping money and "ensure she's kept in the manner to which she's become accustomed" - which I would have had to convince her father I was able to do, before he'd have "given" her to me. Hmmm. It doesn't really sound like a fair exchange for having a full-time unpaid servant, now does it?

I suppose these days the closest you'd get to the 1950s housewife would be having a housekeeper, or a cook, or a butler, or even a cleaning lady. But it isn't the same really, is it? Your cleaning lady isn't about to listen to the minutiae of your daily HTML adventures, and neither is your butler, and I'm sure a housekeeper wouldn't be into giving you a foot rub after dinner...

*sigh* I was so born the wrong gender in the wrong decade...

Heh. I'm joking of course. Mostly ;)

But look! It seems that I'm not the only one nostalgic for the 50s:


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Posted by webweaver at 7:34 pm 6 comments

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Oh gawd, what shall I write about today?

I'm working on writing more in my blog - I did pretty well in May, and I want to keep it up. Thing is, sometimes I just don't have anything particularly exciting or world-shattering to say. The conversation in my head goes something like this:

"Shall I do a "dear diary" type piece today instead then? But who wants to read that stuff anyway?"

"Well, I guess my friends around the world who pop in from time to time to see how I'm doing, might like it."

"Yeah guess so. It's hardly going to get me bazillions more dedicated readers though, is it?"

"Oh - is that why you're keeping this blog then? I thought it was for the love of writing... Fame gone to your head now has it?"

"Well no, I'm hardly famous - not by a million miles..."

"But you really liked it when all those thousands of people came to read about the first Wii fatality though, didn't you?

"Yes, but..."

"And what about those visitors from all around the world who came for your impressions of the Roger Waters concert? You liked that, didn't you???"

"Well yes but I..."

"And what about the dedicated members of the ClayNation who come and see what you've written whenever you mention our Teevy boyfriend? You're thinking about writing something new for them, aren't you?"

"Yes - well, I have been feeling a bit guilty about my current MIA status within the ClayNation and I was thinking of..."

"I see you sneaking peeks at your Technorati ranking, and your visitor stats, and your Google Analytics and all that stuff you know. I'm in your head, remember, how can I avoid it?"

"OK, you got me - I confess that I do look at the stats pretty often. But what I like most is when I write something I'm really proud of - and/or when someone takes the time to write me a comment, and/or when they think what I've written is worth linking to. That makes me really happy. Anything else is just icing on the (blog's birthday) cake. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know. And hey - look at that - you've written a whole page already! Now that wasn't so hard, was it? Sometimes writing regularly means writing through the days when you don't have much to say - as well as the days when you do."

"Cool. Thanks. Nowgetoutofmyhead."

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Posted by webweaver at 11:24 pm 0 comments

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Sunday, June 03, 2007

LOLCODE - O RLY?

i bleev u have mai staplr - KTHX CHEEZBURGER.
For some reason this piece of LOLCODE just tickled me to pieces:

HAI
 CAN HAS STDIO?
 I HAS A NUMBAR
 GIMMEH NUMBAR
 IZ VAR BIGGER THAN 10 O RLY?
     YA RLY
         VISIBLE "BIG NUMBER!"
 MEBBE IZ VAR LESSER THAN 10 O RLY?
     YA RLY
         VISIBLE "LITTLE NUMBER!"
     NO WAI
         VISIBLE "MUST BE 10!" 
 KTHX
KTHXBYE

Kiti haz malfunkshind - KTHX CHEEZBURGER.I found it in the new LOLCODE wiki, where the LOLgeeks are busy creating and refining the newest and bestest coding language on teh internets, LOLCODE. The suggestion above is from the debate on the possible uses of O RLY?, and was suggested by Risser.

I has a money. What I do wif it? - KTHX CHEEZBURGER.For a word geek such as myself (who also love teh kittehs AND codinz), dis r pretty awsum.

Seems I'm not the only one who's fascinated by the development of a whole new language. Here are a bunch of kewl links to LOLCAT stuff, and associated linguistic musings. Plus a couple of gratuitous LOLCATs, because I just can't help myself.


Monorail cat.

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Posted by webweaver at 12:59 am 5 comments

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - the last sentence

Continuing with the Harry Potter theme... let's see how the last sentence (or two or three) might pan out... :)

We know the last word of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is "scar" (probably!) so how about:

"Hurry up Harry, finish your toast or you'll be late for your first day as Minister for Magic," scolded Ginny playfully, as she kissed him lovingly on the top of his forehead, brushing her lips across his scar."

OR
"Harry!!!" screamed Luna, "Quick! Over here before Voldemort comes back! I can see a way out!" Harry grabbed his wand and raced across the cave towards her, but he was only halfway across the stone-covered floor when he felt a sharp pain sear through his brain. The last thing Harry ever saw was an intense flash of green light, and the last thing he ever felt was blazing green fire pulsing across his scar.

OR
"Oh crikey Hermione! Don't die now! We've just beaten Voldemort in the final apocalyptic battle - and I love you!!" cried Ron. But it was to no avail. Hermione, mortally wounded, expired in his arms. "Bummer!" thought Harry, "at least the worst I have to show for my battles with Voldemort is this stupid scar."

OR
As Voldemort kicked aside the pile of ashes that was all that remained of Harry Potter, he felt a strange prickling sensation on his forehead. He reached up with a clawlike hand and felt something that he'd never felt before - the raised edges of a lightning-shaped scar.

OR
"Come here Potter!" hissed Snape venomously. "You're mine now - and this time you won't get away. I have your wand, and all your silly little friends are dead. They can't help you now!" And with evil in his eye, Snape aimed his wand directly at the centre of Harry's scar.

OR
"Blimey, Neville," said Harry. "I can't believe it! Not only did you kill Voldemort and 113 Death Eaters single-handed - and brought Sirius back to life - but you also scored the wonderous Ginny in the process! I thought I was supposed to do all that!" "Oh Harry you idiot" sighed Neville. "Don't you understand we had to convince everyone that you were The One, leaving the way clear for me to fulfil the prophesy? That's why we marked you as a baby with that totally fake scar!"

Heh. Go on - you do one!

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Posted by webweaver at 11:50 pm 3 comments

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Making plans for Harry

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - front cover. No - I'm not talking about Harry Wales (that's 3rd in line to the British throne to you!) - although I note with interest that he's not going to Iraq after all. What a surprise! Ah well, guess Cornet Wales will have to sit on his arse at home while his men go off and do their thing instead. Wonder how they feel about that?

But anyway, I digress. I'm talking of course about making plans for Harry Potter - or more specifically, the release of Book 7 - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. We all need a plan for momentous occasions such as this :)

I was at Dymocks the other day, ordering 2 Harry Potters - one for me, one for Alice (hey Alice! What's up with the NOT blogging, dude?) - and I was thinking, as you do, about getting the book in my hot little hands and settling down to read it.

I plan to read it in as short a time as possible (the first time!), so I get to the end without knowing in advance what happens. I neeeed to read it without knowing!

This involves some pretty tricky planning:

  1. Get to Dymocks in plenty of time on Saturday 21 July (books go on sale at 11.01am NZ time).

  2. Get in queue with hundreds of other kids (!).

  3. Plug into iPod, select Punk and New Wave playlist and turn it up really loud.

  4. Don't look at anyone or anything. Keep eyes firmly focused on the ground at all times.

  5. Get my hands on the books as fast as possible and high-tail it out of the shop.

  6. Do not switch on the car radio.

  7. Look at nothing but the road on the way home.

  8. Drop Alice off at her place (allow her to get her hands on her copy of the book only as I'm driving away at high speed - just in case)

  9. Lock myself in the house.

  10. Open the book and start to read.

  11. Do not watch TV.

  12. Do not listen to the radio.

  13. DO NOT SURF THE WEB.

  14. Do not read the paper.

  15. Do not answer the phone.

  16. Do not answer the door.

  17. Do not allow flatmates into house until I've finished.

I'm serious! (well ok, maybe I'm exaggerating just a little) - but really - can't you picture it? The ending'll be on the 6 o'clock news! It'll be across the front page of all the papers! If I'm not careful - if I don't turn my iPod up really loud - some 8-year old in Dymocks will yell "Mummy!!! Harry DIES at the end!" or "Mummy!!!!! Snape's a Death DEATH EATER!!!" and I'll hear them - and it will be all over.

Because I really, really don't want to know the ending before I get there...

Maybe I should take the day off on the Monday, just in case I haven't finished it by the end of the weekend...

So tell me - when you get hold of your copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - are you going to turn to the last page and find out what happens?

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Posted by webweaver at 10:08 pm 1 comments

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Knut the polar bear has a BLOG?

Oh yes - he sure does! Gee I'm such a sucker for baby animals...

So they were talking on the news about how Knut the baby polar bear at Berlin Zoo (the one who was abandoned by his mum so the keepers moved in and took care of him instead) has his own blog - so went off and googled it - and here it is!

I came upon it via this page - so that's the one you can start on too - Papi komm´wir wollen spielen... Daddy come play with me...

Come on - you know you want to... there's video...

Knut's blog.
Too cute!

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Posted by webweaver at 11:14 pm 1 comments

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