Friday, November 30, 2007

Where did I go?

OK - I have not done this before. This being posting-while-a-bit-drunk. Ah fuck it, why not?

So I'm sitting here at work after Friday-night-drinks-after-work - everyone else is long gone - I think I'm on my fifth beer - I've actually lost count - but I know it's way more than I'm used to. I've figured out how to get my iTunes onto the office stereo (thanks, Chris for making me the DJ tonight!) and I'm listening to my favourite songs REALLY LOUD - just for me.

Funny how the soundtrack of your life takes you back to moments in your life that are now long gone.

And I'm thinking... where did I go?

Where did that dynamic, adventurous me go? Why isn't she here any more? What am I doing with my life? Where am I heading? And what's it all for?

See - you can tell I've had a few too many to drink - these thoughts only invade one's consciousness when one is slightly worse for wear.

I remember as a teenager replying in the affirmative to every invite - out of fear that I'd miss out on something if I didn't say "yes". These days I've said "no" so many times they don't ask me any more. Or else they're all too busy having babies they don't have time to ask me any more. *sigh*.

I went over to my "meet-someone-on-the-internet-cos-you're-such-a-loser- you-can't-meet-people-in-RL" website this evening - which I haven't visited in ages - and found myself messaging people without really caring whether or not they messaged me back. Interesting... maybe that's a good thing.

I know there's something missing from my life, and I'm guessing it's a PERSON - but I'm so un-used to sharing my life with anyone, that I'm really not sure if I remember how to do it any more.

Most of the time I am easily able to push any and all of those feelings down, and I'm able to forget they even exist, but sometimes, just sometimes, like today, they come bubbling up to the surface again, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with them. Writing them out of my system is as good a way as any, I suppose.

I remember when I had boyfriends. I remember when I interacted with people on a closer than "colleague" or "friend" level. I think I remember what it was like to be hugged. I think I remember. I dream about it sometimes. I miss it. Thinking about being hugged brings the tears to the surface now. God I miss that physical contact with another human being - a human being who wants to hold me because they like me enough to want to be close.

Drinking too much is NOT a good thing. It makes me maudlin. It makes me cry.

I don't know what else to say. Shall I be alone for ever now?


pogma said...

Hi Ali.

Do not know wtf made me just google you. How are you?

Obviously still in nz (duh!).

I plan to read your blog completely over the next few days, it's great to know that you're ok (this particular blog entry aside).

Peter O'Gorman <- (remember me?)

Douglas Wilkie said...

You're a wicked woman! And you took the words right out of my mouth, or heart, or wherever they come from... What's missing from your/my life? A person? So you send out messages to all those virtual people about whome you know nothing. Yes writing about your feelings is a good way to work out what you feel... and telling the whole world is probably no worse than keeping it to yourself.

Ah ha! You remember what it's like to be hugged! You miss that. I understand. The human touch is important. To be touched. To be held. To have somebody hold you when that somebody feels within themselves the pulse of your being.

Will you be alone for ever now? No. you will not be alone for ever. Find my blog and read my poetry. Maybe it will help.

webweaver said...

OH.MY.GOD!!!!! Peter O'Gorman!!!

Of course I remember you!

How on earth did I miss this comment on Wednesday? I'm usually really good at approving comments on my blog... hope you're still reading...

How the hell are you?

Email me if you like - I'd love to see what you're up to. Email address is on WebWeaver Productions - my professional website.

It's awesome to hear from you!

:)Ali xxx